im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All the doctor said was why
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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