My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
