he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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