I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
