Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
