I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
