Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
