I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize