I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
