remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
