I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
