I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's rum buckets o'clock
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize