What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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