So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
