im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
