I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
