There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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