Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
