we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
