i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
