Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
