Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
