I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
we should paint friendship bongs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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