Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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