I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
