just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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