I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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