6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
