So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Randomize