Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
