If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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