Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
