my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
