OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
