Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
