Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
false alarm, still single
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
