I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
