I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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