there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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