hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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