i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
