Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
