You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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