My friends, they love my intelligence
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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