in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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