I think I died a long time ago.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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