Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize