Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize