I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
