I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
