i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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