All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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