Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
