In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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