I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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