when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
