he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
