Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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