I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
