My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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